Have you ever wondered what makes some human beings tick?  I mean, what makes some people overflow with the milk of human kindness and others with the venom of a basketful of asps?  I’m always amazed at people’s sense of humour so thought I’d share some comments that I found on a website recently.
But first let me set the scene.  For the last couple of weeks I’ve had some really dreadful mouth ulcers that have rendered me almost incapable of eating or brushing my teeth properly.  I tried all the ointments one buys over the counter at the pharmacist to no avail, and then decided to go onto a website that deals with ulcer remedies.  Like everyone else who logged on to the site, I was in great pain, feeling miserable, and thought that perhaps I might come across an obscure remedy used by someone’s long-gone Grandma!
Allow me to share some comments from folks helping each other out when they are desperate for relief from agonizing ulcers (and remember that vets euthanase animals in far less pain than this) :

Advice : “Simply dab a bit of sulphuric acid on the ulcer.  It will disappear in seconds.  I tried it and it works.”
Response : “Sulphuric acid can be found in batteries.  That is NOT good advice because it could eat through your entire lip.”  (Follow this advice and you could be asking for recommendations on a reconstructive surgeon.)
Advice :  “Pour neat hydrogen peroxide on the ulcer.”
Response :  “Not a good idea to use it neat.  I suggest you dilute it first.  It will burn like sh*#!!  but it does work.”
Advice : “Rub salt into the ulcer and then gargle with salt water every few hours.  Salt hurts so don’t say I didn’t warn you!”
Response :  “Ok, I’ve tried salt at least three times a day.  It seems to mislead you into thinking it’s working, but in actual fact it has made it worse.  Now the ulcer is twice the size it was before the treatment.”
Another response to salt :  “Holy hell!  Tried the salt and it hurts like a bitch.  Didn’t work either.”
Advice :  “Rub toothpaste into the ulcer.  It does burn a bit.”
Response :  “Toothpaste is the worst stuff to rub into the ulcer.  It actually contains the chemicals that cause ulcers in the first place.”
Advice :  “My cousin had a really bad mouth ulcer.  She rubbed battery acid on it and it healed.”
Response :  Battery acid will be absorbed into your bloodstream and even small doses can cause permanent damage.  Anything larger than 0.002 can kill you.  Please don’t do it.”
Advice : “Try Strychnine – it doesn’t only end ulcers, it’s a cure for all of life’s problems.”
Response :  “FOR GOD’S SAKE DO NOT TRY THE STRYCHNINE, IT WILL KILLYOU VERY VERY DEAD.”
Advice :  “Put some snuff on it and rub it right in.”
No response to that one, maybe everyone thought he was referring to nose ulcers.
Advice :  “Use a Q-tip to rough up the sore, which will bring tears to your eyes (no kidding!)  then take a piece of copper sulphate stone and place it on the sore.”
No response – I guess the guy who tried that one died on the spot!!
Advice : “Take a match – burn it for 5 seconds, let it cool and place it on the sore. Burns like hell, but works after a couple of days.”
Response :  Holy crap!!!  I didn’t read the bit that said let it cool down before applying to the ulcer.”
Advice :  “Vegemite – it contains Vitamin B.”
Response :  “Okay, I tried putting Vegemite on and it does burn to the point where you make funny faces and drool.  I’ll only know in a few days if it works”
Advice :  “Put a used teabag on the ulcer.”
Response :  “Oh thank you, thank you, you kind lovely lady.  Even if it doesn’t work at least it’s not going to sting the hell out of us all.”
This website is an absolute hoot and an insight into what lengths people will go to for a cure – and how gullible they are.
I’m still not sure what the cure is, but a friend has just recommended that I rub my ulcer vigorously with steel wool followed by a neat white vinegar gargle for an hour.  It sounds like it could be a bit painful – I wonder if I could replace the steel wool with a nail brush?
You’re welcome to give it a whirl, but I can’t promise that it will
a)    work,
b)    not burn, sting or make you faint,
c)    not make your eyeballs pop out of your skull or cause a stroke
d)    cause death or anything more serious.

It can’t be worse than battery acid or any of the other suggestions.

NB : Wilkinson’s World would like to confirm that this is just a tongue in cheek (ouch!!!) look at some of the cures on offer and we don’t recommend that anyone actually uses any of the ideas presented.

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